11.05.2009

10 Years or Pay Up!

Each week, Mama Kat hosts a Writer's Workshop. I have been procrastinating, but this week I am joining the party. Wanna play? Head on over to Mama Kat's place and pick your poison to join in. For this week (My debut! Ha!) I have selected Prompt #2: "Tell me your most humorous wedding experience."


10 Years or Pay Up!
There was glamour...there was excitement...there was screaming...there were bad parents...there were self-centered brides, and egotistical grooms...and yes, there were a lot of really great people too, but does that make for a good story? Oh, I had it all, livng the life of a glamourous wedding planner in Tinsel Town.


So this prompt, "Tell me your most humorous wedding experience," was tricky - do I write about the photographer who puked in the Ritz Carlton's palm trees, the mother of the bride who bribed the DJ to play a Garth Brook's song so her new son-in-law (who hates country music) would leave and then she drank a toast to what an asshole he was, or even my own personal wedding tale...Oh no, I will save those for later. Instead I shall share this little family gem with you. Please remember names have been changed to protect the guilty!

It begins with a bride named Katie - now she was one bride in a long string of brides named Katie and each "Katie wedding" had a problem, an issue, or simply too much drama - I am very cautious when a bride calls and tells me her name is Katie (my apologies to the Katie's of the world).


Katie and her fiance (Mr. Katie) were young, so very young. I was definitely concerned about their ages. Once I met Mom and Dad who were (or seemed to be from my perspective anyway) caring, devoted, and concerned parents, I was sold...after all just because they are young doesn't mean they don't know what they are doing, right? They showed great happiness for the wedding and took great care in making the plans. So, with this in mind, I was on board.


The planning was easy...but then came the wedding day. Mom and Dad had really spared no expense. The wedding was at a historical church and the reception at a luxury resort overlooking the Pacific. They hired the best photographers, musicians, and florists...what could go wrong? Little did I know the heart shaped bouquet (that even the florist hated) was the least of my concerns.


The morning of the wedding started off tame...until the ever-eloquent bride showed up hooting and hollering out of the window of a Hummer limo. Did I mention this was a quaint church wedding? She disembarked from the Hummer using every foul word - and a few new ones - known to man, as the church lady watched. Not a good way to start off the day with the church lady. (I {heart} church ladies by the way.)


One I get the mouths all washed out and the teenagers corralled the family begins showing up. While many of them resemble members of my own family (oh, I digress, but just know that is not necessarily good), here comes the Groom's Dad (GD) with his Hussy. Yes, Mr. Katie's parents had separated like 2 weeks earlier because the mom has discovered GD was having an affair with Hussy. So, it is all out in the open, right...why shouldn't he bring her to the wedding...and, oh yeah, "Can you get her a corsage too? I mean she is kind of family!"


This sends Mr. Katie into a tail spin...he is going off about how he is going to kick his dad's ass. Mr. Katie's sister is standing on the church steps screaming into a cell phone about what a piece of crap GD is and what a slut the Hussy is (well, she did have a point!). The bride's father is able to talk Mr. Katie down while my assistant and I take care of the rest of the mayhem. I figure we need the groom - the sister we can do without, if necessary.


Finally the ceremony goes off without a hitch - weren't there already enough? During the obligatory photo session that follows the ceremony, the groom decides it would be cute to munch on his brides breasts right there on the altar...can you say "Get out of my church?" - Really loud and really fast! Yes, they were thrown out of the church.

Off to the reception…The beautiful luxury 5-star resort with sweeping views was disgustingly decorated with pink misshapen heart-shaped floral arrangements. (PUKE!). And yes, while a cash bar is a no-no at a wedding, even the venue suggested it, as it was the only way to keep the teenagers from drinking (the groom was not even legal yet). So, we had - gasp!- a cash bar...I shudder.


As you may imagine, the remainder of the evening was filled with inappropriate shenanigans and lots of teenagers trying to get drinks from the bar. Oh the joy and class of it all. How did I get here?

Finally the evening ends and the bride and groom ride off to wherever you go to get drunk when you are underage. I am left chatting with the parents, commending them on their lovely choices for the evening. Then, Dad looks at me and says "I hope it lasts. If they don't make it ten years, Katie signed a contract -she has to pay us back." Ahhh...true love!


P.S. One year later, I received a phone call that was a referral from Katie. I asked how Katie and Mr. Katie were doing...They didn't make it one year - my only couple to divorce - and I am unaware of the current payment situation.

36 comments :

  1. OMG.....sounds like an episode from My big fat Redneck wedding!

    Loved the post!

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  2. I shouldn't be laughing...
    but I am.

    You should have asked someone if you were being Punk'd. ;)

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  3. Sounds like something straight out of a bad soap opera! :)

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  4. They are your only couple to get a divorce?? Shit, where you at all my weddings??

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  5. I've been to some bad weddings, but never that bad! I hope you charged them extra for your services!

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  6. That's CRAZY! Some people are just out of their minds!! They're lucky you chose to stick around. :)

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  7. Oh my goodness girl I could not imagine the horror!
    And seriously, your only divorce??? WAY TO GO, that is an impressive track record in this day and age. Marriage has become as disposable as paper plates.
    XO
    MJ

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  9. This sounds like a bad movie! Aaaah I am laughing and wondering if Katie ever had to pay dad back!

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  10. This whole post played out like a movie in my mind as I read it, like some sort of Ben Affleck-esque sitcom, although the fact that it's true makes it really not so funny :(
    Less than a year? Wow.

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  11. Holly, I don't think Hollywood could have written a better script. I bet you could write a book documenting your "wedding experiences" and be successful with it.

    This was a fun read. If you won't write the book, at least make it a weekly or monthly read for us.

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  12. ok I know this should not be funny... I should not be laughing but WOW... how did you EVER keep your P's and Q's about you at this one??? YIKES...

    sounds like a true story from Enquirer Magazine...

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  13. ok this also brings to mind.. Jeff Foxworthy's

    You might be a redneck if... jokes

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  14. Great story - and VERY well-told :)

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  15. Nice...It's all about dignity, class... :)

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  16. LMAO!! I didn't think things like that happened in Cally! Are you sure you don't live in Appalachia?

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  17. LMAO! Now THAT'S how you have a wedding! Sounds like some of the families from my neck of the woods!

    You should have planned my dad's wedding...not the one to my mom. The second one...the one where he married my brother's wife's mom. That's right...my brother and his wife are step-brother and sister. Lovely, huh? Oh, and my dad's wife...she hates me. Their wedding (in their front yard...complete with cowboy hats for the bride and groom) was a BLAST!!!

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  18. Great story! I love the part about paying her dad back if it didn't last ten years! He was generous to give them ten!

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  19. That is so funny! Now I know I made the right choice by just heading down to city hall and signing the papers :)

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  20. I have an award for you on my blog! Please stop by when you get a chance!!!

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  21. Oh WOW! That's absolutely horrific! guess the parents didn't give them much to build relationships on - did they?!!
    YIKES!

    and by the way - REALLY - your ONLY divorced couple?!?
    Could you please introduce me to my future husband?? =)
    thx!

    Tami G

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  22. It's Bridezilla! And Groomzilla! And Groom's-Dadzilla --

    -- and I can't leave out Hussyzilla!

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  23. Wow. At least you got a referral (and a blog post!) out of it.

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  24. So many mishaps in ONE wedding! All this is too much... and too funny!

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  25. I'll bet you needed a drink from the cash bar by the end of the night!

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  26. Wow! Crazy! What a story! That is pretty cool that that was your only divorce! Nice!

    Thanks for stopping by my site! California is pretty nice, isn't it? ;)

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  27. That is quite a story! In the church for pete's sake. Yuck. xoxo

    SC

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  28. Wow!! That is a fabulous story to be able to tell... as long as it isn't your own!! I'm so glad I stopped by to read tonight because I needed a good laugh! Holy crap!

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  29. Ahhhhh ... I'm so glad that I had a simple wedding in a tiny church http://www.theoldchurch.net with minimal relatives - I had 80% friends instead.

    P.S - You had me as a friend when you said that you are a mocha lover!! I'm an addict too!!

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  30. oh my gosh. that's crazy!! you totally should write a book about all the stuff you've seen. i'd definitely buy it :)

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  31. I know this shouldn't be funny, but let's face it, it is hilarious, and your writing made it even more so! Following from SITS, and now you have me hooked!

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  32. Too much! You would be great to have at a party. Endless stories of crazy people. The foul mouth one I experienced helping a bride once. A couple of drinks and she was a serious potty mouth. Weird to see a bride in a $5000 gown, cussing up a storm. Thanks for coming by today. Love seeing ya. Holly at LLL

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  33. this sounds like the beginning script for a really bad Ashton Kutcher movie. LOL.

    You tell a great story. Love the post.

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  34. Great story Holly! What a sad and sorry state of affairs. I hope all parties concerned (in the wedding party) have grown up and moved on to greener pastures!

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  35. Great story Holly! What a sad and sorry state of affairs. I hope all parties concerned (in the wedding party) have grown up and moved on to greener pastures!

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  36. whoa... i have to hand it to you, you for making this one come off at all. P E O P L E !!!!!! ugggggg... what a waste, sounds like it could have been a fairy tale for most of us. Un believable.. great read tho..

    keri

    www.samwich365.com

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